Look, Gareth Bale wants to come home and it’s up to us to make it happen. Alright?
He’s not loved like he should be in Spain, where he’s happy to sit on his fat contract and play golf if necessary. Zinedine Zidane doesn’t like him for some reason, probably because he still has hair. Bale needs all this agro like he needs another siesta, so let’s bring him home, where the Welsh Jesus can literally and figuratively let his hair down.
Cardiff is believed to have around 365,000 residents and if we all chip in a quid each week, we could cover his salary and unleash Bale on the Championship. Maybe Cardiff Council could buy him and just up our council tax slightly to cover the cost? With any luck, it might distract them from sanctioning more student apartments for five minutes.
Zidane is keen to free up some space for Paul Pogba, who is clearly FAR lower maintenance than Bale, and are reportedly entertaining the prospect of letting him leave on a free in order to accelerate the process. If Peter Ridsdale were still in charge, his spidey-sense would be tingling right about now.
Bale has certainly done plenty for us in the past. He dragged us to a major tournament after all, so it’s time for us to return the favour. He misses the changeable, pissy weather, shopping at What! On Newport Road (don’t tell him it was knocked down recently, it might put him off) and if he ends up in China, it will be your fault. Seriously, if he can’t learn Spanish, he has no hope of mastering Chinese.
His agent, who lights fires wherever he goes, would surely understand because I’m confident that he has his client’s best interests at heart. Not only that, Kadeem Harris has just left, so there is also currently a vacancy on the right flank! It’s almost as if fate is intervening.
The number 7 and 10 shirts are still available, or if Bale insists on his favoured 11, Josh Murphy can always go back to 31, the number he wore when we broke through at Norwich. See how all the pieces are falling in to place?
Bale is a year younger than Craig Bellamy was when the prodigal son returned in 2010 and is probably the only person who could eclipse him. He can afford to hole up at the Celtic Manor in order to satisfy his golfing needs and I started writing this as a joke, but I now feel like I’m actually on to something.
Neil Warnock would love him, and if he didn’t, we could always pension him off and make Bale player-manager anyway.
Well I’ve said my bit. I’m just the brains in this operation, it’s up to you guys to implement it and we haven’t got much time. Operation Bring Back Bale is a go!