Football is Love Island. This is canon. Caroline Flack is Gordon Strachan. Iain Stirling is Steve McLaren. You cannot dispute this. It is the fact we are presented with. Let them sink in.
The heartache and drama that comes with Love Island can match anything from a football match. Remember when Johnny called Theo a gigantic bellend? Warnock against Chelsea. When Jamie saved Camilla from the others? That’s Zohore against Southampton.
See? Love Island is football. And Love Island is back for the early summer/late summer 2019 season. We’ve already seen some drama as Sherif has left the villa for violent conduct (allegedly) and Tommy Fury’s petulant looks have caused Lucas Moura to turn into an aggressively frisky Irish lass. Still, there’s a long way to go in an extended season of Love Island (no Autumn Love tournaments here) so we’ve taken the time to consider who out of Cardiff City’s current squad would do well on the island.
Manages to be dubbed the funniest AND the most annoying islander, Sean starts each day by cannonballing into the swimming pool. Excels in each weekly task, especially the talent show where he unveils an alarmingly good drag act called ‘Strawberry Seancake’, he becomes patriarchal in the house, doling out advice and meddling in a few relationships for a laugh. Finishes 2nd, gets himself a sweet BooHoo Man deal and becomes a regular face on This Morning.
Enters the villa and becomes the first contestant to step forward for every girl who enters and yet still somehow ends up out of a couple on day two. He’s not desperate, just the most enthusiastic! Sol forms a formidable duo with Sean Morrison, spending most of their time in the villa together. Decides to focus on when Casa Amor happens, and couples up with one of the new Islanders. Just before the final, he forgets he was in a couple and leaves the Island solo and topless. Tells the producers it didn’t happen. Upon leaving the villa, he starts writing a weekly column for Pick Me Up magazine.
While clearly the best looking, and has the best shoes of anyone in the villa, he doesn’t last beyond the first week because he spends most of his time in the dressing room trying to get his barnet right. Goes through an industrial amount of hairspray and pomade while never quite getting it right. The only words he says all week are ‘This f**king heat man, ruining my hair’. Becomes global ambassador for Uppercut Deluxe Pomade.
Little Joey Ralls spends three weeks in the villa, scowling. Coupled up with Amelia from Essex from day one, he spends the first week telling her that he’s misunderstood as a person and that he’s cultured. She doesn’t say anything but ‘Yeah, I know babe, I know what you mean’ before ranting about him in the diary room. Sleeps outside for the rest of his final week. Leaves without ceremony when he decries ‘he’s just bored, man’.
Gary Madine is so aggressively horny, and his cheekbones are so pointed, he is placed in the hideaway for his own safety. Every woman in the villa thinks they can tame him. Not one of them succeeds. He is the sole occupant of the do bits society, having done bits with literally anyone in a 3 mile radius of the villa. Is quietly phased out and leaves the show due to extreme dehydration. Embarks on a club night tour taking in 568 clubs in a year after the show.
After three weeks, many claim a conspiracy that Lee has been written out of the show because he wasn’t good enough value. But when the halfway mark hits, Lee Peltier hits his stride. Caustic wit, a wise head, and wistful looks. A tendency to steam into situations endears him to the general population and he ends up coupled up with the nations sweetheart, Clarissa. Finds himself in the top four and sheds a tear in the final show about the best summer he’s ever had – finishes 3rd. Wants to his use his new found fame for good and fronts a campaign for turtle protection.
The thinker of the villa, he becomes a popular choice for the new girls coming in. Doesn’t really form an alliance with anyone but is liked by them all. Known for wearing natty shirts and his braids in a different way almost daily, Bobby’s eyes capture the imagination of a nation. Forms quite a team with Josh Murphy and Greg Cunningham, who join halfway through the series.
The Dr. Alex of 2019. Plays it cool, far too cool sometimes, and ends up in three separate couples without making the final. Steals Joe Bennett’s hair products when Benno leaves.
Talks alot about missing his twin, enters the villa about halfway through, with Bruno, and talks extensively about pulling pranks with his twin. Spends a lot of time in the gym without ever bulking up, Josh and Bobby Reid become close. Josh spends the first weeks grafting girls in couples, before settling on newbie Joanne from Rotherham. They couple up and look like they could go the distance before Josh manages to swap himself out for Jacob. Chaos ensues and he’s booted from the island.
Bruno Ecuele Manga
Forms part of the new boys with Josh Murphy. Utter Drip God. Spends 90% of his time in the villa singing down a camera, wearing the greatest shirts known to man. Somehow makes it to the last week despite never committing to a couple.
Late wildcard, he enters the villa over the wall as he attempted to challenge for a header. Spends 90% of his days talking about how hot it is and requesting MD 20/20. Far too pure for his own good. Finishes 4th.
The Entrants from Casa Amor
Chases the fittest girl in the villa and doesn’t even get close. When he does, he fluffs his lines and gives her away. Doesn’t get coupled up with and leaves Casa Amor.
The absolute breakout star of Casa Amor. Dripping with sauce, Victor’s class is seen when he has deep and meaningful chats with every girl from the villa and it becomes genuinely heated as to which girl gets to choose him. Goes back to the main villa where everyone, boys included, instantly falls in love with him. Cooks every night for the whole villa. Finishes 1st. Becomes Prime Minister.
Quickly becomes a fan favourite by referring to him and Harry as Bacuna and Arter. Mainly known for flexing with his top off and shorts pulled up, is taking back to the villa by a Chastity to prove a point to her partner back in the villa. Bacuna quickly realises this and becomes a steady hand for advice and looking good. Leaves the villa to rave reviews and quickly partners with a gym.
Somehow injures himself swimming and is quietly shielded from the rest of the show. Tries to sell his story and fails.
His Irish lilt captures the hearts of everyone, and he couples up with a couple of different girls after making it back to the main villa. Wise and mature, he doles out advice while failing to follow that same advice and self-sabotages as the final week comes around. Becomes a bit of a third wheel to Murph and Reid. Likes to beatbox. Isn’t very good at it.